Kristi Magraw
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Identities: How We Find Them

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Picture me as a little girl who had just lost her smile, in a hospital setting with a large, heavy bandage around my head and other children in various states of injury and disability arranged around me. In front of us are the musicians and singers—able bodied and smiling broadly. They sing we listen. They talk we are silent. I feel the separation and decide in my child’s mind that I will never belong on that stage. This was a heart break for my singing self.
Most of my life I have spent chasing after, trying to own, the identities of singer, guitar player, songwriter, writer and musician while actually believing that I was only a “helper, listener, worker”.  Those latter identities were and are important but there was a problem: the artist in me always seemed to get a back seat and certainly not a seat at the table. She did not get the effort and attention she deserved. This was connected to the implicit beliefs/rules in society (and in myself) that someone who did not look ‘normal’ (eg facial disability) could not own the identity of performing artist. This was the fallout of the decision/perception of the traumatized child in the hospital. For many years I wanted this identity more than anything. I did achieve it for a brief period but could not rest in it and unconsciously felt I was on borrowed time-- which was true in part because I had an undiagnosed condition of spasmodic vocal dysphonia (emerging out of that medical trauma) making my singing voice randomly disappear.
Still, layer by layer I became myself, shaped by the questions I asked, the questions I refused to ask and questions I never thought to ask. I suffered through the fiery crucibles of experience then rose up anew: purified of the ‘not me’ strengthened in the ‘me’. Maria Hinojosa in her memoir, I Once Was You, looks deeply at the issue of identity, including the identity (or we could also call it an aspect of self) of survivor. An important step in the formation and re-formation of myself was owning my disabilities. I relaxed when I could say yes I have microtia and dysphonia—I am a survivor of hospital trauma. 
I am also an artist according to the following definition: An artist expresses from a dimension just beyond the senses and inspires others to see life symbolically.
 I did pivot to guitar playing after losing my singing voice for the third time but was stopped by the fear of failure generated by the leftover heartbreak of failing at singing my own songs. I did believe in my songs but I abandoned many of them. I often would hire other people to record them and then for sure I would leave them in the dust. Eventually the songs stopped coming even after I developed a way of writing them in my head (not being able to sing them).
The pandemic seemed to stir up my ability to create again. Because I couldn’t default to my favored defense system of overwork, I had time to write. I wrote two songs and resuscitated two old ones. I wrote and collaborated on some tango instrumentals. I began to develop a way of speak-singing. (my speaking voice was less affected by the dysphonia). This was all good but the ghosts kept haunting who I was becoming (more confident). My identity of writer began to suffer because my self-published book came out at the same time as the pandemic and I couldn’t find the steam and skills to promote it. The truth is that after all the years of being brave and strong and fighting the definitions of what an artist was supposed to be, a part of me was giving up.
Then I had the following dream. “I am running barefoot through an airport to catch a plane. I am carrying a large disintegrating box with my mother’s ashes in it. I trip and fall spilling the ashes. I lie there collapsed in a sense of failure until I hear voices around me saying, “What is the matter here?” And a man with kindly eyes says “Don’t give up---ever”.  I listen to him and receive the help they give me—new ticket, shoes, a small secure box of the ashes. I am able to fly.”
I didn’t understand my dream immediately but when I saw the last episode of Colin in Black and White, the inspiring story of Colin Kaepernick’s struggle to become what he wanted to be (a quarterback against all odds) where he says, “To all the overlooked…..trust in your power.” In that moment I got it.
My interpretation of the dream: I am trying to go somewhere (out in the world with my art) without the proper grounding and preparation (shoes). I am carrying my mother’s remains in an unboundaried box that is making a mess—yet still feel responsible, as I did with her depression pattern. I am falling into failure feelings and my own depression. However, out of this crucible of suffering I manage to listen to the ‘help’ that arrives. I am cared for and realize that the care is there if I ask and receive it. Feeling unworthy I often don’t think to ask for help even if time and again it works out well.
Here’s to all of us who struggle to find our identities. even in the deserts of non-representation.
 You can find more explanation of photos here.


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Keeping the Body in mind: A Definition

3/16/2023

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Words are important to me (always have been) so I want to break down the above concept: How I created it, how I used it and what it means on a deeper level.
The history: Isn’t it curious how words and phrases can lead us through life? How has that worked for you? I coined the phrase ‘Keeping the Body in Mind’ in the early 2000’s before I had recorded my album and written my book. At that time I liked the rhythm of the words and the fact that it addressed body and mind which is what my work has been about for many years. I was a pioneer in bodymind work and having a defining phrase really helped me move forward on an educational front. It sustained me when I was writing the songs for my cd. It became the inspiration and domain name for my first website and workshops I gave. It lead to the phrase in one of my song lyrics on that cd, “Note by Note” that quite a few years later became the title I gave my book. Talk about one thing leading to another! Those two phrases have been behind all my personal healing that has kept my music and writing flowing.
The deeper meaning: I use the words, “the body” intentionally because I want to imply something bigger than my body or your body. I want to imply everyone’s body including the earth’s body that we walk on.
Using the verb ‘Keeping’ at the beginning of the phrase recognizes that the effort of bringing together body and mind is an ongoing effort. It also means not allowing energy from your bodymind to just disperse or be wasted. As my acupuncturist used to say, “To stay healthy you must ‘keep’ your energy”. What she meant was to think about where my energy was going and make conscious choices, implying that my energy was precious---so many of us need to hear this cue to caring for all parts of ourselves.
The phrase “in mind” is tricky because which ‘mind’ am I referring to? Seeing as I have a bit of an obsessive mind I definitely do not want it to be in the part of my mind that says, “You have to be perfect or, Be careful you might make a mistake”. We cannot separate the mind from the body or the brain so I use the words ‘in mind’ in the following way: The medial pre-frontal cortex is the noticing part of the brain and also helps to guide the rest of our brain much like a conductor directs an orchestra. It is the part of the brain that influences the ‘mind’ (all parts of the brain) to have perspective, especially over fear and self-criticalness.  I choose this for a definition of ‘in mind’.
The graphic above expresses well the feeling of holding and being held. We need this approach to grow a healthy bodymind connection and to do it in a self and ‘other’ loving way that moves us forward.
Link to my song ‘Everybody Has the Gift to Heal Themselves’  that conveys the feeling of “Keeping the body in Mind” This was co-written by Debra Alexander and sung by Suzie Vinnick. You can also buy it on itunes
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1oU0MmEEPQClpW8gTQPNeDIyDfM6-Oo_8/view?usp=share_link
 
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    Kristi Magraw is known for having developed a unique synthesis of Eastern healing (Five Element theory) and Western ways of working with the mind, called the Magraw Method, which she established in 1979. This method uses metaphoric language and release techniques to help people heal physical and emotional pain.

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