Kristi Magraw
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Identities: How We Find Them

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Picture me as a little girl who had just lost her smile, in a hospital setting with a large, heavy bandage around my head and other children in various states of injury and disability arranged around me. In front of us are the musicians and singers—able bodied and smiling broadly. They sing we listen. They talk we are silent. I feel the separation and decide in my child’s mind that I will never belong on that stage. This was a heart break for my singing self.
Most of my life I have spent chasing after, trying to own, the identities of singer, guitar player, songwriter, writer and musician while actually believing that I was only a “helper, listener, worker”.  Those latter identities were and are important but there was a problem: the artist in me always seemed to get a back seat and certainly not a seat at the table. She did not get the effort and attention she deserved. This was connected to the implicit beliefs/rules in society (and in myself) that someone who did not look ‘normal’ (eg facial disability) could not own the identity of performing artist. This was the fallout of the decision/perception of the traumatized child in the hospital. For many years I wanted this identity more than anything. I did achieve it for a brief period but could not rest in it and unconsciously felt I was on borrowed time-- which was true in part because I had an undiagnosed condition of spasmodic vocal dysphonia (emerging out of that medical trauma) making my singing voice randomly disappear.
Still, layer by layer I became myself, shaped by the questions I asked, the questions I refused to ask and questions I never thought to ask. I suffered through the fiery crucibles of experience then rose up anew: purified of the ‘not me’ strengthened in the ‘me’. Maria Hinojosa in her memoir, I Once Was You, looks deeply at the issue of identity, including the identity (or we could also call it an aspect of self) of survivor. An important step in the formation and re-formation of myself was owning my disabilities. I relaxed when I could say yes I have microtia and dysphonia—I am a survivor of hospital trauma. 
I am also an artist according to the following definition: An artist expresses from a dimension just beyond the senses and inspires others to see life symbolically.
 I did pivot to guitar playing after losing my singing voice for the third time but was stopped by the fear of failure generated by the leftover heartbreak of failing at singing my own songs. I did believe in my songs but I abandoned many of them. I often would hire other people to record them and then for sure I would leave them in the dust. Eventually the songs stopped coming even after I developed a way of writing them in my head (not being able to sing them).
The pandemic seemed to stir up my ability to create again. Because I couldn’t default to my favored defense system of overwork, I had time to write. I wrote two songs and resuscitated two old ones. I wrote and collaborated on some tango instrumentals. I began to develop a way of speak-singing. (my speaking voice was less affected by the dysphonia). This was all good but the ghosts kept haunting who I was becoming (more confident). My identity of writer began to suffer because my self-published book came out at the same time as the pandemic and I couldn’t find the steam and skills to promote it. The truth is that after all the years of being brave and strong and fighting the definitions of what an artist was supposed to be, a part of me was giving up.
Then I had the following dream. “I am running barefoot through an airport to catch a plane. I am carrying a large disintegrating box with my mother’s ashes in it. I trip and fall spilling the ashes. I lie there collapsed in a sense of failure until I hear voices around me saying, “What is the matter here?” And a man with kindly eyes says “Don’t give up---ever”.  I listen to him and receive the help they give me—new ticket, shoes, a small secure box of the ashes. I am able to fly.”
I didn’t understand my dream immediately but when I saw the last episode of Colin in Black and White, the inspiring story of Colin Kaepernick’s struggle to become what he wanted to be (a quarterback against all odds) where he says, “To all the overlooked…..trust in your power.” In that moment I got it.
My interpretation of the dream: I am trying to go somewhere (out in the world with my art) without the proper grounding and preparation (shoes). I am carrying my mother’s remains in an unboundaried box that is making a mess—yet still feel responsible, as I did with her depression pattern. I am falling into failure feelings and my own depression. However, out of this crucible of suffering I manage to listen to the ‘help’ that arrives. I am cared for and realize that the care is there if I ask and receive it. Feeling unworthy I often don’t think to ask for help even if time and again it works out well.
Here’s to all of us who struggle to find our identities. even in the deserts of non-representation.
 You can find more explanation of photos here.


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If I Can Smile

8/4/2020

2 Comments

 
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During the Pandemic when we all were in lockdown, I was separated by an ocean and locked borders from the man I love, separated by the continent from my family and by the rules of Covid safety from my friends. I was suffering from isolation PTSD. As I have often done, I wrote a song to comfort and inspire myself. In my first blog on my author’s website I thought I would deconstruct the lyric to reveal how it worked for me.

Verse 1
If I can smile when the world’s upside down
And land on my feet safe and sound
Rest in the space between each of my thoughts and see
Stars smiling back at me, Stars smiling back at me

The act and the metaphor of a smile has been important to me because in my operation when I was 9, I lost my smile (physically and emotionally), which was devastating and took me years to recover from. So the phrase if ‘I can smile’ means I am fighting against the pull of PTSD.  When my environment suddenly changes, as it did in my body during the medical accident and as it did during lockdown, this idea of ‘smile’ helped me ‘be in the present’, remember my values and ground in them. One of my values is to be calm enough in my body so that I can notice and resonate with the beauty in my environment and in the people I see. To be able to ‘rest’ when there is high anxiety, in me and around me, is one of my triumphs against PTSD and one of the things I offer to others. This triumph has given me a path to a sense of perspective which is represented by the image of stars in the lyric.

Verse 2
If I can smile when the dark clouds are chasing
And fly as if my heart had wings
Transparent love and a hummingbird’s mind
Will carry me into the light, will carry me into the light

Many survivors of trauma fall into depression at various times in their lives and I am no exception—the dark clouds do chase me. One of my remedies for that is self love manifested in movement--everything from walking to dancing. This has allowed my body state (and identity) to steer clear of being ‘a depressed person’ and instead feel my ability to lift my heart into ‘flight’. What does ‘transparent love’ mean? To me it means love that is admitted, spoken and displayed even in the face of disappointment. To learn from each experience of daring to love will carry me forwards into a better place--represented by the image of light. And what is the significance of a ‘hummingbird’s mind’? Hummingbirds have very large brains for their size and this enables their sophisticated system of moving about the world. They can fly in all directions, hover and fly long distances. This is a metaphor for flexibility-- what is now called neuroplasticity. The idea that our choices will ‘carry’ us helped me to focus away from excessive effort during the pandemic and instead focus on careful choices.

Verse 3
If I can smile when the battles are raging
And finding some peace seems amazing
Strong as the river and calm as a lake
This peace I will never forsake, this peace I will never forsake

​First let me give you my definition of peace. Most importantly, it includes the principles of truth telling and change. ‘Strong as a river’ is an image that implies there is something to be strong for: and that is revealing one’s pain and protesting the injustice that often goes with telling one’s truth. But what is the ‘truth’? In my definition it is ideas and actions that benefit society—that make things better for individuals and communities—it is what ‘works’ to promote health,  connection and fairness. It is so important these days to find the truths that will help with the Black Lives Matter movement and will help with the necessity of facing the poisons of prejudice, war and dictatorship. I have had to face my old demons during this time of enforced solitude, tell the truth about them and gain that ‘river strength’.
The vagus nerve system is a huge system in the body that regulates our bodies and minds bringing us back to a feeling of safety. The phrase ‘calm as a lake’ is expressive of the body/mind state of a healthy vagus nerve--- of renewal and re-connection. I found I needed to commit to and practice this state which I call peace. Change happens best using a combination of truth and peace. Actions of truth and peace produce change. I am counting on the idea that many people in the world are having these same thoughts so that now we can find new ways to move forward. I invite you to write your own words of meaning, as a poem or a song, memorize them and then repeat it often. It could help you find your way.  

2 Comments
Sue B.
9/5/2020 10:17:32 am

Hi Kristi. I am so grateful for this information. I have been moved and now inspired to continue keep at my daily practices of calming myself ( many of which you have taught me ) 💜. Thank you 🙏. So grateful. I will reread to fully absorb.

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Brent Bell link
11/2/2022 01:06:02 pm

Politics voice lot PM perform by carry. Travel series instead yeah concern.
Much audience difference seem. Ahead administration but loss TV alone event.

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    Kristi Magraw is known for having developed a unique synthesis of Eastern healing (Five Element theory) and Western ways of working with the mind, called the Magraw Method, which she established in 1979. This method uses metaphoric language and release techniques to help people heal physical and emotional pain.

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